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Author’s Note:
This is part three of five. If you would like anything here to make sense, you should read the first two parts first.
——————-
Mary, about three weeks after game night.
Hazel – her girlfriend, how weird was that! – was much gayer than she was.
Was that the right way to frame it? Thinking in those terms felt wrong. Like it was some kind of contest or something, and that seemed toxic. But Mary still felt like there was some kind of gap between them, and she didn’t have other words to describe it, despite it having nothing to do with their relative attractions to each other. No, Mary felt plenty gay in that department. The flurries of butterflies and tingles through her body whenever Hazel met her eyes were more than enough to be sure. The jury was still out on her view on men. Maybe she was bi like she’d always believed, or maybe she’d eventually figure out men sucked and she’d been gay the entire time. That debate had taken a back seat to this.
No, this was more like… cultural lesbianism? Was that a thing? Or maybe gay identity? It seemed that Hazel was a lot more confident – or maybe comfortable was the right word – in her own skin as a lesbian. Mary, by contrast, constantly felt like a fish out of water, and couldn’t stop thinking of everything in terms of what she knew. Her lifetime of relationships with men.
There were some little differences and some big ones, and noticing them was amusing at first. Like when she’d seen inside Hazel’s closet. All her dresses and bras were picked for comfort and utility, and there were pockets! So many glorious pockets, and not a single pair of heels. Like, the full fucking zero. Hazel had clearly never given a single solitary fuck about the male gaze in her life, and Mary loved it.
But then there were other things, and the things started piling up, and it started making Mary feel a little uneasy. She was sure Hazel liked her. Hazel had made that abundantly clear… but what if she didn’t fit in with what Hazel was used to? Whenever she spent time around Hazel’s friends as a group, she always felt like she stuck out. They were all so confident and sure in their identities, it was hard not to feel out of place. One on one with Hazel was easier.
That was mostly why she’d turned down their invitation to join their upcoming camping trip. Well, at least partially. She did also kinda hate camping, but she kept that to herself. She was already feeling insufficiently gay, and what kind of lesbian doesn’t love camping! And of course, if she told them that, they’d laugh and tell her she was being stupid playing into stereotypes, and she’d have no counterargument. She knew it, but logic could only help so much.
The pressure kept building up inside her until she decided she needed to do something about it. Something to make herself feel more valid, even if it was just inside her own head. Tonight, she’d made up her mind to take a big step forward. Tonight, she’d kiss her girlfriend. That’d be pretty damn gay, right?
It wasn’t really a date, they’d just planned to watch TV together after work. They hadn’t decided what – probably just scroll through Hulu or Netflix until something caught their eye. They’d made it as far as the bed, which doubled as a couch because Hazel’s apartment was too tiny to fit one, but then they’d gotten sidetracked by basically nothing but each other. Their conversation from dinner about all the life stories Mary had been hearing from Hazel’s friends had spilled over, and they’d found themselves leaning into each other as the time passed, neither wanting to make a move for the remote.
One more difference to add to the list. Every man Mary had ever dated would have gotten bored ages ago and turned on the screen.
“Does it make it any easier to figure yourself out?” Hazel asked as they reached the end of talking through her friend Alex’s history of lesbian self-discovery.
She got this adorable look – half hopeful, half hesitant. Like she really wanted Mary to feel secure in herself and this relationship with her, but she also didn’t want her to feel pressured at all. It made Mary feel wanted, with an intensity she was surprised by for a relationship she’d only been in for a few weeks.
“A bit,” Mary hedged, wanting to reassure her girlfriend but also trying to stay honest. “I think I’ve decided to take Rose’s advice and try not to worry about the gay versus bi label so much.” She wrapped her arms tightly around Hazel and pulled her into a tight hug. “I’m positive calling you my girlfriend feels fantastic, so I’m just going to focus on that. Trying to figure out how I feel about the men in my past isn’t nearly as important.”
Hazel beamed at her, her eyes huge with happiness. “That’s great! I was a little afraid you’d feel overwhelmed.”
Her sincere positivity made Mary’s heart bleed. Smiling and nodding through that was definitely over the line into lying by omission. Deciding not to worry about ex-boyfriends kırşehir escort was easy. Deciding how she felt about herself, and how she fit into this brave new world?
“Who says I’m not?” Mary made herself laugh to cover her anxieties. She took a breath and tentatively tried to put some of her feelings into words. “Really, there’s so much I’m not used to, dating you, I feel like I’m constantly trying to play catch up. But in terms of feelings and discovery and stuff, I think I’ve finally figured out how to describe it.”
“Oh?” Hazel snuggled deeper into her side, looking up at her expectantly and sending those tingles Mary liked so much cascading through her.
“Yeah. Do you remember the first time you got drunk?”
Hazel grinned in that adorable way that made her look like she’d just bitten into a bit of chocolate. “Mostly.”
“Did you do the thing where you were, like, super self-analytical taking notes on everything you felt? Like you were watching your own reaction to the alcohol like a science experiment?”
“Of course I did! Doesn’t everybody?”
“You’d be surprised. Keith called me a goddamn nerd when I asked him that.”
“Which only implies denial, it doesn’t mean he didn’t do it.”
Mary hadn’t thought of that. “Damn, now I’ve got to ask him again.”
“So, you’re saying being with me is like being drunk?” Hazel teased.
“No! I mean the other bit, silly,” Mary said, gently rubbing along Hazel’s back, enjoying the little contented sigh she made. “I keep feeling things, and like, cataloging them. Like I’m doing a psych study, but I’m both the researcher and guinea pig at once.”
“What do the results look like so far?”
Mary gave Hazel’s side a little tickle. “You’re trying to get me to sing your praises, aren’t you!”
“No!” Hazel laughed, mirroring Mary’s previous denial perfectly, but wriggling and glancing away for a second in a way that made it totally unconvincing. God, if she wasn’t already planning to kiss her tonight, that face would definitely make Mary want to do it. “I’m just curious how dating me is different.”
Mary feigned a thoughtful look. “Well, dating a coworker is a first for me.”
“You know what I mean!”
“Oh, all right!” Mary gave her another little tickle, just for good measure, while going through the list. It was getting pretty long. Best to pick something funny, and not too serious or revealing. Now wasn’t the time for some deep discussion about differences in communication or empathy. It’d spoil the playful mood. Instead, she went with, “You’re much more cuddly, like a teddy bear, and it’s awesome.”
“What?!?” Hazel laughed, flexing her muscles to hardness. “That’s a new one for me.”
“I said more cuddly, not softer! Trust me, I absolutely love how buff you are.”
“You compared me to a stuffed animal pillow, and I’m deeply offended.”
“Oh, shut up!” Mary slouched back into the bed, letting Hazel’s weight carry her over and bring them even closer. Without conscious thought, Mary felt her eyes dart down to Hazel’s lips again, smiling broad and inviting. “The guys I’ve dated haven’t really been cuddlers. Whenever they’ve done it with me, it’s usually been because they wanted sex. Not just intimate closeness.” She ran her fingers through Hazel’s hair, brushing it out from between their faces and tucking it behind her ear. “I like this.”
As she said it, Mary inwardly cringed. Here she was, trying to maneuver them into their first kiss, claiming she just liked being close to Hazel with no ulterior motives. Mixed messages!
Or actually, maybe it was a good thing? She didn’t want to have sex with Hazel yet. Or rather, she did. Desperately. Hazel made her so fucking horny, she’d gone home and furiously masturbated after every time they did something together. Despite that, the thought of trying to have sex with another woman outside fantasy and in real life? Terrifying! She had no idea how to do it, and it made her feel so far out of her league! A lifetime of knowing she found women hot, and of devouring lesbian erotica to get herself off, but she still felt like she’d be useless in bed with Hazel. Hell, even her own vulva was a mystery to her. She’d always needed vibrating sex toys to give herself orgasms. What if she couldn’t make Hazel feel good? What if Hazel decided she wasn’t worth the effort of teaching, and went back to dating experienced women who knew about their own sexualities, and could confidently bring her to screaming orgasms with their mouths?
And besides all that, there was the other thing. Hazel said one of the rules of lesbian sex was not to compare bodies, because it never led anywhere positive. But it was kind of impossible to be with somebody as fit and attractive and impossibly beautiful as Hazel was, and not notice and feel inadequate.
Too many scary thoughts! She wasn’t ready for that yet. Not for full blown sex, anyway. A bit of making out, though? YES PLEASE!
Hazel’s eyes malatya escort shone. They were close, close enough for Mary to feel her breath against her lips, making them quiver in anticipation. “I like it too,” she murmured.
Mary braced herself, getting ready for it. Her excitement built on itself…
But they continued gazing into each other’s eyes, and the moment dragged on without either of them making a move. What was Hazel waiting for? Didn’t she realize how much she wanted it? Why–oh! Right, of course. Mary mentally jotted another line on her internal research notes. More gendered norms she was trying to unlearn. Not just being used to her boyfriends taking the lead, she also wasn’t used to her partner caring so much about how she felt. Hazel had made it clear she’d go at Mary’s speed, and she was probably worried she wasn’t ready for this either.
No problem, she’d just have to show her she was ready!
Mary slowly blinked, like a cat expressing affection, then tilted her neck forward to plant a kiss on Hazel’s lips.
It was… well, it felt like a kiss. She leaned back again, trying to detect any magical fireworks or distinct feelings. Good, but maybe not storybook-epically-life-changing? Wasn’t her first gay kiss supposed to be magic? Maybe she’d hyped it up too–
“You’re doing it again, aren’t you?” Hazel brought her back to reality.
“What?”
“Self-analyzing, dumbass!”
“Oh–yeah,” Mary felt herself starting to color. “Sorry, but it’s hard not to.”
“It’s fine, but don’t put so much pressure on it! Just relax and let yourself enjoy it.”
This time, Hazel did take the lead, leaning into her and sensually letting their bodies fit into each other like puzzle pieces. Her lips felt soft, gentle but delightfully passionate as they connected with Mary’s, slowly pressing together until she slipped between them, her mouth opening and tentatively probing inside.
There it was! The magic she’d hoped for! Mary felt herself melting inside, her tongue meeting Hazel’s and twisting around her, dancing together in slow spins that left them both breathless.
“Better?” Hazel asked, panting when they finally came apart.
YES! Oh my god yes! Mary tried to answer, but somehow, the words got jumbled between her head and her mouth, and all she could manage was a dazed sort of nod.
Hazel seemed to understand. “More?” She asked in a teasing sort of voice, as if determined to make Mary even redder, then laughed at the urgent enthusiasm of Mary’s wordless nod.
The longer they kissed, the more aware Mary became of the rest of Hazel’s body. Their legs slowly sliding up and down against each other, their chests rising and falling with their excited breathing, Hazel’s breasts pressing into her own, making Mary much more excited. She wanted to feel them. To feel every inch of Hazel’s body. What should she be doing with her hands? If she started feeling Hazel up, what would she think? Fear and indecision battled in Mary’s head, even as she tried to block them out and just enjoy kissing her girlfriend. Why couldn’t anything be easy!
Much later that night, after Mary had gone home and feverishly gotten herself off reliving every second of making out until her vibrator’s batteries died, she knew she needed more. Maybe she didn’t feel totally ready, but one thing was for sure. She was really tired of feeling afraid of something she wanted, and it was becoming obvious that she would until she finally took the plunge. Hazel would help her figure it out, just like she’d held her hand through everything so far. She’d more than earned all Mary’s trust, and suffering in silence like she’d just done felt like some kind of betrayal.
Better late than never. Pausing just long enough to plug her vibrator into its charger – because who knows? She might need it again soon – Mary found her phone and typed a message.
Mary: Tonight was amazing, and I loved it so much. I want to do more with you, but I have no clue how to have sex with you, and I’m afraid I’ll be terrible at it. Please help me.
——————-
Rose, a few days later.
If she got to pick one legend about the world to magically make true, it would have to be the one about teachers getting summer vacation off. Just like everybody thought she did, except, like, for real. That’d be sweet… but alas, not to be. Instead of living in a tent and spending all her time climbing, or going to explore a new European town by train every day, or hiking the Pacific Crest Trail, her summer months were a maze of google maps directions zigzagging across town from one tutoring client to another.
Not that she was complaining! The pay was good, there was much less tedious grading to do, and she got to teach SAT math prep, which was a nice break from her usual school year curriculum. A bunch of her clients were previous students, grown up and getting ready to apply to college. Seeing how they’d matured always made her niğde escort proud. Like, apart from teaching them a bit about problem solving, she’d succeeded in helping them become better people.
But the biggest perk was setting her own schedule. Getting to take a few hours for lunch some days, so she could visit with members of the family, or go on hikes with the newly minted fitness junkie Brittany, or sneak away for some sexy time with Lydia.
Like she was doing right now!
Technically, it wasn’t really a lunch break because Matt Laytham, her only afternoon student, was ‘sick’. She was done for the day, but calling it ‘lunch break sex’ made it feel different. Like they were rushing off for an illicit affair that had to be kept secret from the world.
With the sorts of things she’d been getting up to with Lydia in the last few weeks, that last bit felt especially true.
Lydia was waiting in the driveway when Rose arrived to pick her up, looking a bit different than she had before. She’d combed her hair straight and left it draped around her shoulders, where it met up with the straps of the loose, flowing dress she’d picked to match the color. She also had a frilly parasol for the sun, and combined with the rest of the image, it was absolutely adorable.
“You remind me of my friend Alex,” Rose said when she’d joined her in the car. “She also likes to mix up her styles from time to time.”
“Oh? Remind me, which one is she?”
“She’s the one who came to get me at the party when we met. You remember, she had the whole formal suit going?”
“Oh yeah! She isn’t always doing the hyper masculine look?”
“Nah,” Rose laughed. “She actually just recently switched to the opposite extreme. She’s got a new lady she’s chasing after, so she’s presenting even more traditionally feminine than you are now.”
“Really?” Lydia daintily adjusted her parasol across her lap. “I didn’t think that was possible. Do you like this?”
“Yeah! You look really cute.”
“Thanks. It’s actually an idea I’m experimenting with for my next gig. I’ve got a track list set up that’s more on the chill side and I want something to match the vibe. Anyway, how’s Alex’s look more fem than me? I thought I’d got it perfect.”
“Well, maybe I’m wrong, but I’m betting she’s more authentic underneath.” Rose turned from the road just long enough to give Lydia a pointed look, drop her eyes down meaningfully to her chest, then back to driving. “She went and got these absurdly lacy lingerie sets, but I’m betting you’ve got nothing at all under there.”
“You know me too well!” Lydia’s voice shifted in a way Rose had learned to associate with very hot fun. “Wanna see?”
The way her eyes were drawn irresistibly back from driving over again to see Lydia playing with the hem of her dress made Rose feel like a stereotypical horny teenage boy. It wasn’t helped by Lydia gazing back at her with the corners of her mouth turned up. Her tease grin! “I’m driving!” Rose complained.
“So?”
“If we die, I’m telling Saint Peter it was your fault.”
Lydia had unbuckled her seatbelt and was fidgeting in her seat, but paused long enough to laugh. “Dude, you think we’re getting into heaven? After all the things we’ve done outside the bounds of holy wedlock?”
Rose tried to ignore the little void that opened up in her stomach. Nevermind being married, she couldn’t even work up the courage to make their relationship official! Lydia seemed perfectly fine with just being friends who happened to have regular sex, and Rose couldn’t decide if that was the best or worst thing possible. It let her maintain the comfortable illusion, which was nice, but the illusion came with baggage. There were tons of things she wanted to do with Lydia, but couldn’t without shattering it.
Like inviting Lydia to join their upcoming camping trip to the Adirondack High Peaks. It would be so much fun to have her there! All the secluded little trails to hide in and get sexy, while feeling the thrill of being out in the open? Perfect!
But being together for five days with no breaks and sharing a tent together was so far over the line into girlfriend territory, Rose got little panic attacks each time she thought about it. They were just supposed to be a summertime fling! Nothing serious! Lydia was leaving in a few months! Still, despite her intentions, Rose already felt herself getting emotionally attached. Feelings that frightened her but felt so very good at the same time.
Rose felt a gentle touch on her arm, drawing her back to the conversation. “But, as long as it’s gonna be my fault we’re going to hell anyway, might as well earn it.”
“What do you–” Rose started to ask, but Lydia was guiding her arm across the console to her side, placing it on her leg, and the answer became obvious. Bare skin, no dress. Rose gulped, willing herself to stay focused on the road. Eyes forward, watch the other cars, pay no mind to the smooth warmth of Lydia’s thigh, or the way she couldn’t feel any hint of cloth resistance no matter how far up her fingers probed.
“Does this get your rush going?” Lydia asked, shifting in her seat and bringing her leg up to give Rose full access to her uppermost thigh. Just another inch or two and she’d be touching her– Oh! There she was!
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